Not feeling great (TW talks of suicideeeee

[rottening]

Ik I just wrote a blog but whatever, its my blog so let me be. Ive always had times in my life where i felt like I deserved nothing. I didn't deserve friends, family, relationships, things, my skills, my hair, my body, nothing. I still don't think I deserve anything, I hate myself so much sometimes, I feel like a bowling ball, crashing into walls and hitting everything else besides actual bowling pins. I get so jealous of people, I recognize i'm jealous of people but I end up trying to make them feel worse or I try to ignore them so that they leave me alone. I know I should stop but idk, I just do it in the moment cus I feel like it. People say all the time that you aren't a bad person if u call yourself one but thats so dumb, I'm a bad person because I know what I'm doing is wrong but I'm selfish. I like to get my way, I like being right, I like getting things, I like keeping things for myself, I know I'm wrong but I don't know what to do to be less of a asshole and sometimes, I just don't care. I know whats wrong with me so therapy isn't really a thing but I just don't think I can change, no matter what I do, I can't. I sometimes get really high off of the feeling of being happy in the moment and I don't think of anything else but after the moment has passed, I hate everyone and I find people irritating and insufferable. I hate that I hate people, I don't like people because of my assumptions, I don't like people because of how they misunderstand me, I hate people because I want what they have. I really have rough days where I don't wanna live, I don't wanna do anything anymore or talk to anyone. I don't care to get help, I don't care to tell someone how I feel cus I'll be looked at as crazy or just weird. This just sucks