Jesus would prob send me to hell (vent??)

Heyyaayayyayayayya, so I was listening to the song "I dream of Jesus" and it reminded me of a friend that stopped talking to me cus I "wasn't gonna help her find god" which is so lamee but also really makes me sad even after like 1-2 years later. I really liked hanging out with her, we loved looking at eachothers art and taking about things like lps, video games, art, monster high, etc and I even gave her my monster high doll for her birthday. It still just makes me upset because she hangs out with other friends and I sometimes think to myself "what if they're not religious? what if I was the only exception because she just didn't like me.". Like I really like her, I wanna talk with her and spend time with her but she just shut me out and it just sucksss. I really don't mind if u believe in a religion, I actually find religion really interesting and a special thing to explore but maybe she views me as "demonic" or something for the things I like and how I express myself so maybeeeee thats why she doesn't wanna talk but I just don't even know anymore. I know my friends have told me to just move on but idk, I really did like hanging out with her in middle school and I considered her like a best friend but whatever, I guess we just move on and forget about it like it was stupid. UGHWEBFHWE this suckssss, what the hell did I do? Everyone tells me to move on and I know I should but like can I get some sort of explanation? I know I'm a terrible person but ughhhh give me something. i still kinda cry about it sometimes, really dumb to waste so much energy on a person that doesn't talk to me anymore but idk, im just really tired of stuff

Not feeling great (TW talks of suicideeeee

Ik I just wrote a blog but whatever, its my blog so let me be. Ive always had times in my life where i felt like I deserved nothing. I didn't deserve friends, family, relationships, things, my skills, my hair, my body, nothing. I still don't think I deserve anything, I hate myself so much sometimes, I feel like a bowling ball, crashing into walls and hitting everything else besides actual bowling pins. I get so jealous of people, I recognize i'm jealous of people but I end up trying to make them feel worse or I try to ignore them so that they leave me alone. I know I should stop but idk, I just do it in the moment cus I feel like it. People say all the time that you aren't a bad person if u call yourself one but thats so dumb, I'm a bad person because I know what I'm doing is wrong but I'm selfish. I like to get my way, I like being right, I like getting things, I like keeping things for myself, I know I'm wrong but I don't know what to do to be less of a asshole and sometimes, I just don't care. I know whats wrong with me so therapy isn't really a thing but I just don't think I can change, no matter what I do, I can't. I sometimes get really high off of the feeling of being happy in the moment and I don't think of anything else but after the moment has passed, I hate everyone and I find people irritating and insufferable. I hate that I hate people, I don't like people because of my assumptions, I don't like people because of how they misunderstand me, I hate people because I want what they have. I really have rough days where I don't wanna live, I don't wanna do anything anymore or talk to anyone. I don't care to get help, I don't care to tell someone how I feel cus I'll be looked at as crazy or just weird. This just sucks